My friends, as 2012 draws to a close we have much to be thankful for. Despite President Obama’s attempts to destroy capitalism and wreck prosperity — America still enjoys the highest rate of economic growth in the civilized western world. Still we find ourselves, and our American values besieged like never before. We aren’t battling a foreign enemy, but we are at war with a domestic enemy that comes in the form of ideology. You may be called upon in 2013 to do battle with a new breed of American domestic terror that I called the “Armchair Liberal”.
You see, America has changed my friends. While many of us were raised by people who went to work 40 hours a week for their families, or struggled to start small businesses — a culture of entitlement has clearly taken over. People no longer feel the need to work for the things they want, because they feel like they should just have them. Our traditional conservative values of hard work, dedication, and entrepreneurship can no longer be taken for granted. They are under attack by Armchair Liberals every day. This new breed of American that watches hours of reality TV each week building a seething jealousy for the shiny glitzy life they feel they deserve, but have not earned.
Armchair Liberals grow increasingly angry that the “Real Housewives” have Rolex watches, but they do not. They become more angry that these women marry millionaires, but they can not. They find it morally objectionable that the Kardashians have millions of dollars for basically doing nothing, yet they continue to watch. It outrages them that “Honey-Boo-Boo” has her own television show, and is more famous than they will ever be. They feel that everything should be provided for them, because they have been told their whole lives that they are unique snowflakes — and will grow up to be famous and rich one day. Meanwhile the economy gets worse, and they complain about not being able to find a job.
Couch Liberalism is the path of least resistance my friends, for it requires little to no real thought or effort, and it gives people an outlet for their frustrations. It’s very easy to sit on a couch and complain about not having a job, placing the blame on other people while you do nothing to better yourself or increase your skill set. The path to success in America still leads through hard work and specialization. This is something that seems foreign to many of the current couch liberal movement. This is the reason why an Orthopedic Surgeon might make ten times as much money as a General Practitioner of medicine. The answer seems to obvious to many of us, but a couch liberal will reply simply “That’s not fair!”
Went to school for 8 years and racked up $200,000 in debt to get an art degree? That’s somebody elses problem. Can’t pay your student loans back? That’s unfair, there are no jobs out there for me. Unwilling to take a job in fast food or waiting tables? That is beneath me, I went to college! Unable to pay your cell phone bill? Give me an Obama phone! Unable to feed your family? I’ll just join the record number of Americans on food stamps!
While conservatives still put in 80 hours a week to start up their own businesses, and strive to find ways to separate themselves from the rest of the work force — The couch liberal would rather not. Why work when you can vote for candidates who will promise you everything the wealthy have. It’s so much easier to vote for “free healthcare” when someone else has to pay for it. It’s no bother at all to vote for higher taxes everyone but yourself. Since you already consider yourself a victim and have no intention of trying to protect yourself or your family, you feel that nobody needs a gun in their home — so you vote for gun control also. Meanwhile the Chinese are outpacing us in manufacturing, economic growth, and they’re even building nuclear submarines to patrol our coasts.
You see folks, at the end of the day Armchair Liberals feel like really nice guys and gals. Their views seem so easy to agree with, which makes them all the more dangerous. It only seems right that everybody should have the same amount of stuff, and we shouldn’t let anyone in our society get too wealthy. Free healthcare just makes sense, because everybody deserves to be healthy and not to have to worry about paying medical bills when they are sick. If only we could ban all of the guns in the world, then the planet would be a safer place. People should never have to worry about their grocery bill, so we should help them with food stamps indefinitely.
At the end of the day, of course, we know that this line of thinking is not sustainable. You can only lay on the couch and vote yourself wealth for so long before none is left. As the great Margaret Thatcher once said, “The problem with socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people’s money!” Ultimately, if allowed to succeed, Armchair Liberalism will collapse on itself, and our country will become the full embodiment of George Orwell’s 1984. The sky will be grey, there will be 90% unemployment, there will be food shortages, and riots in the streets. Armchair liberals will begin wondering how something so horrible could have come out of such wonderful intentions.
And Conservatism will rise again…